I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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