I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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