he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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