Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
