Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
