She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
