Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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