Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
