i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
