bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
