i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
pop tarts are not kleenex
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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