just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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