that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
