Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
