Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
