soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
