I bet he comes in French.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
