What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have fence marks all over my body
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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