my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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