I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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