dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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