Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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