New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
