I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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