dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
