sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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