You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
