I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
