OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
