It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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