Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
