He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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