I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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