Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
