I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
