in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
