Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
