Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
