Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
