Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
