Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
