no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
