I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
