I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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