Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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