I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
