You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she told me i tasted like america
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
