If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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