Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
