So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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