so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
