God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
