I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
