Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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