At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
