honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Someone came in the potted fern
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
