Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
