Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
